The alternative to life

It isn't enough that the AARP hounds you to join the masses of the aged in their organization once you pass fifty. They must be driven by some sense of civic duty to send your name and address to any group that deals with the waning years of life.

Today I received this encouraging note from the Neptune Society:
"Dear Richard,
For a variety of reasons, more and more people are choosing cremation over traditional funeral arrangements."

I'll admit I'm not as open-minded and adventurous as my wife, but for some reason, every part of my innards are screaming I'M NOT READY FOR THIS ! As I read through their literature, I become irratated and uneasy. I'm not too complex a person - yet, how can I respond to their persuasion that "cremation is simple"? And, although my name is Rich, I'm anything but wealthy. Still, their claim that "cremation is economical" sounds demeaning and repugnant. But the worst part of their info - that "cremation is dignified", makes me want to never again be dignified so long as my body is warm.

Doesn't anyone know I'm still working on my mid-life crises? How can I possibly start addressing my end-of-life issues? I certainly like to make lists and carefully plan events, but even I'm not anal-retentive enough to wrap up all my "loose ends" quite yet.

And then, despite the fact that all this anxiety about the future has made me sick to my stomach, I notice the fine print at the end of the letter. Maybe these Neptune people are not as pushy as I thought for, in the gutter of their missive, is this delightful disclaimer:

"Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family."